by BILL E. BONES
Frizzy Freakenstein won’t get his lazy ass out of the lab long enough to post his freakin’ thoughts on the movie we streamed on Netflix last night, so I guess it’s up to me to pound out a review with my minuscule boney fingers! We watched a bloody good zombie flick dubbed DEAD SNOW. I’m not wastin’ mine or your time telling you who made the damn thing, or who starred in it, because I wanna’ get to the good parts: the blood, sex and death! DEAD SNOW has a crap load of two out of the three and I’ll let you guess which two. Okay, I hear ya! You want to know what DEAD SNOW is about. I told ya it’s a zombie movie already… and best of all they’re Nazi zombies! What more do ya want from a freakin’ horror flick! Oh… a plot; or characterization maybe? You want that, go rent The Hangover again! I guess that’s not a horror movie… technically. You want to see a movie about some dumb-ass college students, whose idea of fun is to drive out into the middle of the mountains in Norway to a cabin the size of an outhouse, then this is your kinda flick. Especially if that cabin is suddenly… attacked by freakin’ Nazi zombies! Oh, yeah… I forgot to mention that it was filmed in Norway and all the actors are Norwegian and they all speak freakin’ Norwegian! So ya have to read sub-titles! So what! Once the – Nazi zombies – attack, everybody is too busy running, screaming and getting eaten by zombies that there ain’t much dialogue anyway. The best part of DEAD SNOW, besides the blood, sex and death… is the way the director made use of the snow laden location for the characters to run, fight and kill and be killed in. This movie has fight scenes up the butt! When two of the characters are killed early in the film, the rest of them hide in the cabin, but eventually even these dumb ass students figure out they had better get out of the cabin and run for it, so they do just that! The final scene where the remaining three students use a chainsaw, a sledge hammer and a machine gun to fight dozens of Nazi zombies is sick, twisted, brutal and freakin’ funny! If you liked EVIL DEAD, THE RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD, SHAUN OF THE DEAD, UNDEAD, or even the underrated DANCE OF THE DEAD… you have to watch DEAD SNOW! Now I have to bounce, because Fritzy owes me for writin’ this up for him. Maybe I can get that cheap freak to buy me Zombieland on blu-ray. Later, Freaks!